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SURPRISE! Pirates of the Caribbean: DMC Script Parody - The Final Chapter (11 years later)

Hey y'aaaall it's been over a decade and it's time for a rewind.  We're living in a woke society now where the writings of my fifteen-year-old self are problematic at best.  But we're gonna see this thing through to the end.  Do I remember every blessed moment of this movie off the top of my head like I did then?  No.  Can I watch it in my mind's eye at the exact runtime of 151 minutes?  Heck no.  Can I try to remember what it felt like to be so singularly obsessed with this franchise as a repressed awkward teenager in 2006?  Damn right I can try.  So buckle up and brace yourself for a patchy ride with Vicarious Facade, now a grown-ass woman writing Pirates of the Caribbean fanfic in 2017.

To recap, we left off with Will, Jack, and Norrington engaging in a swordfight for the ages on top of a rolling watermill.  Jack gets knocked out and off the mill.  Elizabeth stumbles upon Pintel and Ragetti sneaking off with the dead man's chest, which simply will not do.

Elizabeth: Ha! Pintel and Ragetti, I've got you now!

Ragetti: OMG, don't hurt us.

Pintel: Wait, you've got no sword.

Elizabeth: F-ck, I have no sword!  WTF writers, you even threw in that line about how Will taught me how to handle one, and I still haven't gotten one yet?

Pintel and Ragetti share a look that is so creepy and vile that any goodwill that these two characters have garnered throughout these films should be instantly lost. They slowly unsheathe their dirty swords.

Ragetti: licks his lips like he can taste her already
Pintel: 'Ello Poppet

2017 Writer: Super flippant portrayal of the threat of sexual assault in a Disney adventure movie reeks of rape culture - why was this okay?

Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio:  Because we are keenly aware of her sexual power and vulnerability as a woman and a virgin at that.  And because we have a huge boner for her and our characters, who are an extension of our unbridled desires, can't help themselves either.

Undead Fish Men: RAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!

Pintel & Ragetti: Well shoot, now that these foul fish men are chasing us, we've had a change of heart and really feel for your plight, Elizabeth.  Have both of our swords! They hand them over to Elizabeth.

Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio: You wanted a sword, Keira. Have TWO!

Elizabeth: I don't want these, I WANT WILL'S!

Pintel, Ragetti, and Elizabeth RUN FOR THEIR LIVES! But the fish men are too fast for them.  They begin to fight back, sharing the two swords between the three of them.

Elizabeth: Hey, remember when you guys were going to rape me a few seconds ago but now we're working together against a common enemy?

Meanwhile, Jack finds the dead man's chest.

Jack: At last!!! This is all I've wanted for the past 122 minutes. He sticks his key into the dead man's chest, revealing an incredibly realistic and sick-looking beating heart. Oh my sweetheart, at last!  Come now, I'll lay you to rest in my dirty jar of dirt.

Back at the waterwheel that has been gaining speed down a hill for the past 10 minutes.

Norrington:  How are we still rolling down this hill?!
Will:  AAAAHHH!!! I can't see anymore, it hurts, Norry, my brain HURTS!
Norrington:  But look! It's the beach!  Everyone is there, Jack, Elizabeth, Pintel, Ragetti, the fish men -- a real party, Willum, a real party!  And quite convenient!

Elizabeth: I don't care if I am one small woman and you guys are huge monstrous fish men, I can take on seven of you at one time!

Ted & Terry: See?!  We're feminists.  Girl Power!

2017 Writer:..... ¬_¬ ........

Wheel: Loses steam and collapses in the water

Will: I think I pee'd myself.
Norrington: Futz around a bit in the water, the stink will wash out.
Will: Right.

Will looks like a wet dog hopping through the shallow water, his sword extended in front of him.

Elizabeth: Honey! Will! Remember what you learned during swimming lessons, that's now how you do it!

Norrington: Let's see what Jack's got in his rowboat.  Letters of Marque!  AND the heart of Davy Jones!  More like a JackPOT than a JackBOAT.  Bahah! Grabs and goes.

Pintel & Ragetti:  The chest! In a rowboat, let's jack it!

Will: Stop right there. Extends his long, glistening sword.

Pintel: Grabs a wooden paddle. You know baby, we always talked about being more adventurous.

Ragetti: Grabs rope. I'm up for it!

Will smiles slyly, giggle giggle. He takes a long hard look at the dead man's chest, and realizes Jack's already stuck his key in the hole.

Jack: Whack! Right in Will's head.

Will knocks the f-ck out.

Elizabeth: What the hell, you killed Will!

Jack: Oh, did I?

Elizabeth: You smacked him in the head with your oar and you effing killed him!

Jack: No, couldn't have.

Elizabeth: Oh no you're right. The beloved rogue pirate could never murder the charming romantic lead with casual violence.

Norrington: Listen guys, I'm a really good and brave and noble person now so get in the boat and escape from the fish men who are STILL outnumbering us and I'll take the chest, even though I know it's empty, and divert them!

Jack: Cool, nice knowin' ya.

Elizabeth: I must protest, it's such a waste of good scruff!

Norrington: Don't worry babes, we'll get some snogging in on the next flick before I die.

Elizabeth: THANK GOD!!  Oh, and sorry about the dying thing.


EXT. BLACKPEARL - DAY

Mr. Gibbs: Hey y'all, what happened to the Commodore?

Jack: Fell behind.

Mr. Gibss: Lol, cool.  Well at least we're all safe here on the Pearl.

The Flying Dutchman: FLIES OUT OF THE SEA.

Davy Jones: Surprise b-tch-CHA!  I bet you thought you'd seen the last of me-YAH.

Jack: Joke's on you, b-tch. I've got a jar of dirt and guess what's inside it! Begins waving the jar of dirt over his head while singing like a child and falling down a bunch of steps in a rather juvenile moment of humor.

Mr. Gibbs: The heat get you mad again, Jack?

Will: You're not seeing sea turtles, are ya mate?

Davy Jones: FI-RAH-YAH!

The Black Pearl: Gets blown the erf up.  But turns out to be pretty fast and outruns the Dutchman.

Jack: LOL, jokes on you again, b-tch.

Jar of Dirt: Shatters!

Jack: Oh, no thump-thump, time to jump-jump ship.

Davy Jones: ERM NOT QUITE, SPARROW-YAH! The jokes on you again-nah!

Liam Neeson as Zeus: RELEASE THE KRAKEN!

Davy Jones: Hey, that was my line...

Swelling pipe organ music blasts!

Will: Omgomgomgomg this ain't good y'all this ain't GOOD Y'ALL. Will begins sobbing.

Elizabeth: Smacks him! Will snap the eff out of it and tell us what to do because you are clearly the natural leader in this situation.

Will: Woman, you are so right.  I'm pretty dumb most the time and you're like way more clever, but I got that dick, so.

Hermione: Tell me more.

Kraken: I. JUST. WANT. FRIENDS. WHY. WON'T. YOU. PLAY. WITH. ME! Tentacles are wrapping themselves tenderly around the Black Pearl.

Black Pearl: Okay, I'm scared. But it's kinda sweet.

Will: Y'all errbody, we gotta fire at the Kraken, but at the opportune moment, savvy?

Kraken: LET. ME. LOVE. YOU! Tentacles are now caressing the top of the sails.

Black Pearl:  This is a lil' much, Kraken. Giggle. That tickles.

Elizabeth: Holding a huge rifle. Will?

Will: I'm not ready, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: WILL?

Will: You're being kind of eager, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: WILL?!

Will: I said after marriage, OKAY?!

Elizabeth: I'm talking about the Kraken!!!!!

Will: Oh lol, ya guys, FI-RAH!

Crew of the Black Pearl: BOOM!!

Kraken: I JUST WANTED TO BE LAAAAAHVED!!!!!!

Black Pearl: It wuzzn't me, tho!

Will: Mm, that boy will be back. Let's put errthing we got in the middle and make a freakin' HUGE EXPLOSION.
Load the rum, even!

Mr. Gibbs: It crushes his soul to say this to the crew. Aye, the rum, too.

Audience: Omg, not another "rum" joke.  Let. It. Die.

Elizabeth: Sees Jack paddling away on a rowboat. Well damn, where was my invite?

Kraken: I'M GONNA HAVE YOU!

Black Pearl: Whoa, no sorry, my crew don't wantcha.

Kraken: BLAAAAHHH!!!!! Penetrates the Pearl with the full-force of its tentacles, ripping at the wood, and crushing men by sucking them through portholes.  We hear the sick crunch of a dude's body as he folds in half.

Parents: Still shoulda taken the kids to Superman Returns.

2017: Unappreciated in its time!

2017: Are you SURE about that?

2017: We live in the era of Zack Snyder!DC.  Yes.

Kids: Shhhhh everyone, this is STILL awesome!  CARNAGE!!!!

Black Pearl:  NO MEANS NO!

Jack: Looks at the Pearl being destroyed.  Feels bad maybe.  Looks at his compass.  Its probably pointing at the Pearl because he wants most to be a good man.  Maybe.

Will:  Alright Elizabeth!  I'm gonna finish loading this net with explosives.  Then you shoot!

Black Pearl:  That looks like a giant scrotum.  Does no one else see this?  It's a giant scrotum.

Elizabeth:  I'll shoot at the giant scrotum of explosives once you're clear!

Black Pearl:  See this girl knows what's up!

Elizabeth:  Ready, aim.... ready, aim.... READY, AIM...  Will get out of the way!

Will:  Yeah my foot is stuck in the net.  It's okay, just put us all out of our misery and get this shit LIT.

Elizabeth:  Ok!  Ready, aim... Whomp! A tentacle grabs her leg and drags her backward.  Pintel & Ragetti cut the tentacle, freeing Elizabeth because they're good guys again and not potential rapists.  Casual.

Kraken: YOU CUT OFF THE TIP OF MY TENTACLE!!

Black Pearl: Take that, muddaf-ckah!

Will: Still swinging by his foot from the net. Elizabeth SHOOOOOT!

Elizabeth:  Back again!  Now where's dat pesky rifle.  Oh!  Under a boot on the top of the stairs!  Step off my rifle, ya scum! Looks up. Jack?!

Jack: Surprise b-tch!  He picks up the rifle.

Emma Roberts:  Enough with the catchphrase, that was so last year.

Will finally cuts his foot out of the net. BOOM!  Jack fires the rifle.

Bullet: W H E E E E E ! ! ! !   I t ' s   s o   f u n   t o   f l y   t h r o u g h   t h e   a i r   i n   s l o o o o w   m o o o t i o o o n !

KERR-BLOOM!!

Orlando: Let's keep my private life out of this, with all due respect.

Johnny: Clears his throat. Ahem. Yep, I think that's best for everyone!

Keira:  Orly... a marriage, a child, and then divorce!  Johnny... a marriage, a divorce, a band called Hollywood Vampires, Lily-Rose Depp's modeling career, raging alcoholism, spousal abuse, The Lone Ranger, nay, Transcendence, nay, MORTECAI, nay, THE TOURIST!  I almost forgot!  Orly... Katy Perry, Selena Gomez, Elizabethtown, punching JUSTIN BIEBER!

Orlando: Leo DiCaprio high-fived me for that, k?

Keira: Oh how the mighty have fallen!

Black Pearl: Can we get back to how we all die if we don't get our sh-t together?

Jack: Abandon ship.

Black Pearl: OH NO HE DIDN'T.

Mr. Gibbs:  But Jack, the Pearl.

Jack:  She's only a ship, mate.

Black Pearl: SHIPS LIVES MATTER!

Mr. Gibbs:  Jack's right. Abandon ship or abandon hope.

Black Pearl:  ABANDON HOPE THEN, ABANDON HOPE!

The crew all file into the longboat.  Just Elizabeth and Jack remain.

Elizabeth:  You came back.

Jack:  You saw me row away to begin with?  Can we keep that between you and me?

Elizabeth:  I don't want anything between us.

Jack: Oh, well--

Elizabeth presses herself against Jack, serving genuine f-ck-me eyes.

Elizabeth:  This whole time I loved Will because he was so noble and bighearted.  But the more time I spend with you the more the swelling in my crotch tells me that you're a good man too, Jack.

Kid: Mommy, my pants are getting tight again!

Johnny Fangirls: WTF?!?!?!?!

Willabeth Shippers: This can't be happening. What? Is this real? What was the point of establishing Will and Elizabeth's pure love in Pirates 1? That triumphant kiss at the end? The longing looks? This changes everything. Do I even like these movies anymore? If I leave now even though I've seen 90% of the movie, can I get a refund?

Sparrabeth Shippers: F-ck, I think I'm gonna cum.

Jack:  So you're telling me the Kraken could swallow us whole right now, and your fiancé is a mere ten feet away, and you want to-

Elizabeth: That's right. Ride you like a seahorse. Elizabeth and Jack embark on a hard PG-13 make-out session that's much more sensual and extended than any Willabeth kiss.

Kid: Mommy, my pants are wet!

Ted & Terry: Okay Keira, now you've gotta shackle him to the Pearl.  Keira?

Elizabeth and Jack continue to suckle from each other's mouths.

Ted & Terry: We went along with your idea to kiss Johnny, but now it's time to--

Will & Orlando (seeing Jack/Elizabeth kiss, in unison): Umm... did I miss something?

Gore Verbinski:  CUT!  That was perfect, Orly.

Orlando: What the hell is going on? Why did they kiss?

Gore Verbinski: We thought it best not to tell you that that was going to happen.  You know, for a genuine reaction.

Orlando: I'm an actor. I could have acted surprised.

Gore Verbinksi:  We just wanted a believable performance this time.  You did a great job!

Orlando stares off into nothing... Hello darkness my old friend...

Ted & Terry: Haha, very funny Keira.  Trust me, we like to see this side of you.  But we gotta stop with the kissing, we're working into lunch, hon.

SCHLING-CLICK!  Elizabeth shackles Jack to the ship.

Elizabeth: Flustered, heavy breathing. Wow, that was really, wow.  Uh... the Kraken's only after you... and... her mouth is pressed up against Jack's again, breathing him in, their lips like magnets struggling to hold back... and uh... well, uh... we probz don't have enough time to do it so my best bet is saving myself, literally, for Will.

Jack: Smirks. Pirate.

Elizabeth:  K bye!  SORRY, NOT SORRY! She climbs down into the longboat.

Will: Uhhhh........................

Elizabeth: Wut.

Will: Goooooooorrrrrllll...............

Elizabeth: Wuttup. Why you starin'.

Will: Where's Jack?

Elizabeth: He elected to stay behind to give us a chance.

Will: LIKELY STORY.

Crew:  This is awkward.

Elizabeth: LET'S GO!

The crew row off in the longboat. 

Jack:  How can I squeeze something very large through a much smaller hole?  Jack breaks a lantern and drips the greasy oil all over his shackled hand.

Kraken: Slowly creeping up behind Jack.

Black Pear:  YO!  YO JACK!  WATCH OUT!

Kraken: SHHHH!!

Jack:  Nearly got it, nearly got it, just needs a little more pressure. Squelp! His hand is free! What's that dank fish odor?

Kraken: BOO! The Kraken's mouth is now facing Jack -- a giant sphincter with hundreds of huge sharp teeth in row after row face him.

Kraken discharge: SPEWS ALL OVER JACK!

Audience:  That looks like a really angry vagina.  A really, yeasty, active, angry vagina!  TEETH (2007), anyone?

Jack's hat: Plops out!

Jack:  Honey, I'm home! Jack puts on his hat, unsheathes his sword, and dives headfirst into the gooey sphincter.

An essay I would have written if I were allowed to write about "Pirates of the Caribbean" in college:  A searing portrait of a man battling with sex addiction and losing.  The metaphor of the Kraken (an enormous personification of the vagina), consuming Jack as retribution for his libertine ways with women (Giselle, Scarlett, Elizabeth, etc.) reveals Jack's true nature.  In his final words he confronts the monster that's plagued him all these years: "Hello, beastie."  This is the turning point for Jack, for as he is consumed in this moment, the addict in him dies.  Jack goes on to live another day once his friends rescue him from the depths of withdrawal (Davy Jones' Locker) in the follow up film, At World's End.

Kraken:  LAAAAHHHHHHVVVV MEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

Black Pearl:  NEVAAAAAAH!!!!!!

CRUNCH!!!  The Kraken crushes the Pearl and drags her, along with Jack, into the depths.

Davy Jones:  Woooo! Joke's on you, Jack-ah!

Bo-Sun:  Damn, not even Jack Sparrow can best the Devil.

Davy Jones:  I need to see it! Goes to open the dead man's chest to see his heart.

Dead Man's Chest:  LOL, I guess the joke's on you, Davy Jones!

Davy Jones:  JAAAACK SPARRROOOOWWW!!!!!

INT. PORT ROYAL - CUTLER BECKETT'S LAIR - DAY

Cutler Beckett sits at his desk looking impossibly tiny.

Norrington:  Haaay!  Pardon me for the intrusion, but you've got to pardon me. Hands over the Letters of Marque.

Beckett:  Why would I do that?

Heart of Davy Jones: Norrington plops it on the table.  Thump-thump.

EXT. THE BLUE BAYOU RESTAURANT AT DISNEYLAND, CA - EVENING

In the green jungle swamp, a crowd of women somberly hold candles as the remaining crew of the Pearl make their way to Tia Dalma's Love Shack.  A deep mist sticks to the air.

Audience:  Who are these women?  Why do they care about Jack whatsoever?

Elizabeth:  Where are we going?

Will: Tia Dalma's love shack. I mean shack.

Elizabeth:  You know her?

Will: You're gonna ask me questions right now?  Cause I got about 99 for you.

Tia begins serving them drinks as they mope around her shack.

Mr. Gibbs:  I guess that honest streak won out in the end.

Will side-eyes Mr. Gibbs.

Elizabeth:  He was a good man.

Will side-eyes Elizabeth.

Will: to himself Why I oughtta, I oughtta...!  No, must be noble.  Must be big-hearted.  Must make Elizabeth happy, and if it's Jack she wants, well. Outloud. Elizabeth, if there was anything that could be done.

Tia: she's been waiting for this. WOULD YOU DO IT?  WOULD YOU SAIL TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH TO FETCH BACK WICKED JACK AND HIM PRECIOUS PEARL?

Audience: Oh, they're setting up the sequel.  Got it.

Everyone: AYE!

Tia: RAD!  Come on out, Captain!

Captain Barbossa: So tell me, what's become of my ship? Finally bites into the juiciest erffing apple I've ever seen. The juice dribbles down his chin.

Orlando & Keira:  What da erf??!!?!??!!? Gore, you said Zoe Saldana was coming back!

Gore Verbinski:  Orlando can explain!

Orlando:  I'm guessing he wanted a "genuine reaction".

Keira:  We're actors!

Orlando: I KNOW!

Everyone: Well, DAYUM.  How 'bout DEM apples.

CUT TO BLACK.

THE END.

2017 Writer:  Is this what my life has come to?